Creature of Friendship

🍂 Happy September! I feel autumn arriving, that crisp fall air, with pumpkin spice and cinnamon lingering in the air, and with that, a tinge of loneliness. As I watch all the innocent and energized freshmen roam around campus with so much eagerness, it makes me think back to my freshman year. I was SO scared. It was my first time away from home, and I knew practically no one. I was overwhelmed with all these new emotions. 

Well, unfortunately for me, those emotions stayed. A roommate from hell, and friends that sucked the soul out of you. I was done. I put on a brave face and was determined I would not let these people try to ruin my college experience. I joined clubs, and talked to people, and well, yes, it did change things for me.

The point I am trying to emphasize is... loneliness is real. Getting isolated despite SO MANY people is real. Thinking you have friends only to feel an empty presence is REAL. 

My advice is not to get caught up in social expectations. It is better to be lonely and content with yourself rather than having a group of people leave you with a gaping hole. 

Now, with that being said, let's break this down. In my experience, I have always been a little quiet and thrived off my time alone. I grew up during the pandemic, and I thought, hmm... maybe this isolating thing is actually my type of vibe. Turns out, it's not! I did not realize how this exacerbated a lot of my anxiety and made it hard for me to reach out and talk to people. In addition to this brilliant idea, I was always content with a small group of friends. I had strict boundaries. If someone did not show their respect to me, like I did with them, then there was absolutely no tolerance and no need for me to be their friend. While that might have served a purpose for me in my teens, I have come to regret that mindset.

So right now, as a reader, you might be thinking, Wow, she's really contradicting herself. And to that comment, I would say you're right! Keep your close friends small, but have as many friends out there for fun and support! Build a village, as they say. 

When I was younger, it was the keyword to note. I do not feel the same way now. I want to be surrounded by people, to smile at a silly text from someone whom I haven't spoken to in a long time. The quantity, big or small, does NOT matter. The quality should. 

That is not to say we should be fake and forgiving of people who do not deserve it, but it means to be rational about the situation. It was not until college and learning some real-world experience did I realized my right, my correct was not universal. I'm not dense or naive, I just genuinely thought that my morals and needs were consistent with My People. 

Let's break this down even further. I am a woman of my word, and I remain loyal to my close ones. It took several friendship heartbreaks to understand that loyalty was not something everyone had or even valued. And I still stand by this, my close circle should expect my loyalty and I expect theirs, but right now that's neither here nor there. Instead of having a zero-tolerance policy, it would be helpful to realize that every relationship in life serves a purpose. Maybe this unloyal close friend was not meant to be a close friend, but someone I can have a good time with, being silly. No strings attached. It seems pretty obvious, but to my brain, it didn't click.

Now, the truth that hurts the most, and perhaps will continue to hurt. You will rarely get answers to the what-ifs unless you ask. Someone who I consider to be my sister for the majority of my life has been distant lately. I could address it and risk losing her, like I have in the past, or let time heal all, and maybe let her share her piece. This seems toxic, I agree at face value; however, oftentimes a forced conversation with someone who is not ready to share risks losing that friendship. There are many schools of thought on this, but in my opinion, if my friend is the one who has the problem, then they can let me know too. However, in most cases than not, people will never speak up, and the question will persist with you. This is not easy. There have been many times I wanted to sit and hit send on one too many text drafts as to what created this distance. In one text, I'm interrogating, in another I'm apologizing, and in the last, it was pure irritation. Whatever may be her reason, I will never know or will I be able to guess. I will only have my answers from the source itself, so why bother? 

So remember when I mentioned to the freshmen in college right now, and said Don't get caught up in societal expectations. I mean it. It is draining. Seeing how many people liked my comments, and of those who did were my friends, and wondering why that friend texted me oddly. It is the worst. Finding your people takes forever, too. I can't say for sure right now if I did, but every day, I am looking forward to making new connections and creating new memories. Can I predict the long a friendship will last? No. And that sucks, but like that saying... not every friendship has to be a lifetime, maybe it was meant just for a season. Do not limit yourself, and do not compare yourself. What a friendship is unique to you, and is not a one-size-fits-all.

To wrap this up nice and cute, friends are important; we need them in a world of individualism. For when we grow older and need a shoulder to cry on. For when your kids need an aunt and uncle to help throw a birthday party. For someone to be your cheerleader in your highest and lowest. We can also need them when you go to a new state, and realize your friend from high school lives there, and you can create new memories, even if you were not that close. Life is so short, why bother keeping people in boxes when we were made to break them?

From my favorite onscreen friendship, to my Meredith Greys, as your Christina Yang, "I can't go. We have to dance it out. That's how we finish".

Creature of Friendship, a journey that I will always look forward to despite the heartbreaks.